Frequently asked questions.
Q. What are spectrosexuality and spiritu-intimacy? How are they different?
Spiritu-intimacy is an umbrella term that refers to incidents, behaviors, and categories of relationships and encounters between humans and spirits. Spiritu-intimacy may range from unwanted, non-consensual erotic sleep paralysis incidents all the way to deliberately sought and cultivated long-term spirit marriages. Spiritu-intimacy may be monogamous or not; gendered or not; involve same sex or different sex contact; and it may be experienced in dreams, meditation, or when wide awake in either a ritual or casual context. Spiritu-intimacy may involve senses of touch, including the use of sex toys, or it may be entirely a matter of subtle-body energies and no-touch orgasm.
Spectrosexuality can be used as a sexual orientation identity label. It can represent a partial or entire description of a person’s sexual/erotic and/or relational preferences. Some people may identify as spectrosexuals. Others may have spiritu-intimate experiences but not identify as spectrosexual. For some people, attraction to spirits is a fetish (spectrophilia). For others, spirit intimacy is a deeply felt, multi-faceted desire for one or more such beings, and they seek such relationships due to their profound spiritual and transformative potential.
Q. I had an experience I can’t explain. I think I may have had sex with a spirit or I feel there’s a spirit that’s in love with me. Am I going crazy?
A. It’s impossible to answer that question for any given individual. It’s a good idea to consult with a helping professional, like a licensed therapist, licensed professional counselor (LPC), or licensed clinical social worker (LCSW), if you have any doubts about your mental health or your ability to discern. Clinical sexologists and sex coaches may also be helpful, however very few helping professionals are trained or knowledgable about these kind of experiences. However, make sure you choose a therapist or counselor who is open to many kinds of cultures, spiritual traditions, and religions. Someone who is a transpersonal psychologist, who is familiar with forms of contemporary paganism, and/or who has trained through CIIS or schools with similarly broad-minded programs, may be your most supportive choice. If you are Black, Indigenous, “other Person of Color,” LGBTQIA++, disabled, and/or who have specific cultural, spiritual, or religious concerns, try to find someone who will be “on your wavelength.” This may not be easy, but what you don’t want is to be pathologized due to a therapist’s biases, of any kind.
The American Counseling Association (ACA) has created Competencies for Addressing Spiritual and Religious Issues in Counseling. Do read this document so you understand what “best practices” you should expect. The ACA and its associated sub-organizations have also developed a number of other counseling competencies as well.
If you find yourself feeling judged, misunderstood, or dismissed, find another helping professional. If you are unable to afford private counseling, look for clinics and peer support groups that might assist you. If you are associated with a Unitarian Universalist congregation, there may be broadminded pastoral care available to you.
Finally, if you are in crisis, seek help immediately. But also know that some crises may fall under the category of “spiritual emergency.” This article by Stanislav and Christine Grof might be helpful for context.
Q. I feel fairly confident about my mental and emotional health, but I still don’t know if what I am experiencing is real. Help!
A. Paranormal experiences, including a sense of contact with a deity or other sort of spirit being, are more common than many want to admit. People who have had similar experiences will often tell others to “take it slowly.” It’s a good idea to increase activities that make you feel grounded, such as exercise, conscious breathing patterns, simple household tasks, and artwork. Focus on your own resilience and health.
Remember that you can always say “no” to any spirit being who you feel is trying to get your attention. You can also say “maybe” or “not now” if you do not want to say “yes.” Clarify your consent and boundaries from the start. Cultivate a sense of protection, both spiritual and physical.
If you have a sense of who it is that is contacting you, and it is a being who has a recognizable name, do a lot of research. It’s not that common, but sometimes imposter spirits pretend to be a better known spirit. A big red flag is if a spirit tells you negative things about yourself or loved ones, and/or incites you to harm yourself or others. There are toxic spirits, just like there are toxic people. Avoid them.
Divination with a trusted practitioner can help, but also beware of people who will attempt to control your behavior or who claim to “speak for” the spirit you believe you are encountering.
Do everything you can to practice and double-check your own capacities for discernment.
Q. Are there social media groups where I can find other people having these kinds of experiences?
A. Yes. Some are better than others. Be on the alert for toxic interactions and people who seem to know it all, or who claim to speak for various spirit beings. It’s also a good idea to be cautious about what you convey–guard your own privacy to some extent when you are moved to share your experiences. (Community can be great, but please, don’t join a cult!)
Some people will also recount long conversations or complex experiences with a spirit, while others simply report a feeling or a sense about their connection. There is no right way to engage. “UPG” – unverified personal gnosis – is a great phrase to remember.
Q. I’m confused about the sex part of this.
A. Yes, it can be confusing to have erotic and/or romantic feelings or experiences with a non-corporeal being. The kinds of activities, encounters, and relationships are as varied as human interactions. If you want to explore a relationship with a spirit being, think about what you enjoy, what you consent to, and what you are comfortable trying. Treat your spirit partner with the same consideration that you would want. Asking questions via divination (such as Tarot, runes, or a pendulum) or through meditation is a good way to begin and continue communicating.
People typically experience the erotic portion of a spirit relationship through dreams, meditation, astral travel, tantric or “energetic” practices, western sex magic(k), and/or physical self-pleasure with an invitation to the spirit to also partake. Some people offer their orgasms to a spirit or deity, in addition to incense and food. There are many ways to nurture and nourish such relationships.
Also, as with human beings, not every relationship will be a lasting one. Heartbreak is possible, so strengthen your overall spiritual and emotional resilience in advance. If you are inclined, you may also want to cultivate other spirit friends and allies, so that you feel a supportive community around you in the subtle realms, as well as in the human one.
Q. Can I be asexual or demi-sexual with humans, but sexual with a spirit?
A. Yes, if that’s what you want. Almost anything is possible. You can also have one or more kinds of orientations and attractions with humans, and other kinds of orientations and attractions with spirits. And some human beings can feel “partnered” with a spirit(s) but the partnership is more romantic and devotional than erotic.
Q. I can’t seem to get a date or have a sexual relationship with a human partner. Should I attempt spirit sex with a hot demon lover?
A. Hmmm, that’s a hard one (no pun intended). But social skills are just as important with spirits as they are with other human beings. If you can’t get a corporeal date or a sexual relationship, it’s worth doing some self-reflection before (1) giving up on humans and (2) seeking spirit sex partners. Think about what you have to offer, or want to offer, to a prospective partner. Can you find ways to increase your communication skills and understanding (which will increase your attractiveness) and to minimize traits that might have made it hard for people to connect with you in the past?
You’ll also want to study and research before you go looking for a spirit partner. You’ll want to ask that spirit for consent. You’ll want to think about your own boundaries and consent issues. You should also understand how to protect yourself if an unsuitable, toxic, or predatory spirit answers your mating call.
Q. I have lost interest in my human partner(s) now that I also have a spirit partner. What can I do?
A. There’s no easy answer for this question either. There may be a lot of other factors that have affected your relationship with your human partner(s). Create a “safe emotional space” and start talking with your partner(s). Perhaps you can figure this out together. Try sex therapy or couples counseling if you can afford it. Use one of the many excellent intimacy workbooks on the market and work through them together. You can also ask your spirit partner to support you in strengthening your human partnership(s).
Q. I can’t tell my human partner about my spirit lover. What do I do?
A. Many people have human partners who have religious or spiritual beliefs which may cause them to be upset about this. Some human partners who are invested in monogamy may feel this is “cheating.” Human partners who accept polyamory or nonmonogamy with other human beings may not be able to accept adding a spirit lover to the mix. There are probably several reasons you haven’t been able to confide in your present partner(s) and you may fear jeopardizing your intimate human relationships.
This is a potentially volatile situation. You may never actually be able to confide in your human partner(s). If this is the case, it’s important to understand that it’s okay to keep some things private. For example, perhaps you have sexual fantasies that you’ve never told anyone. Do what you can to avoid guilt-tripping yourself or resenting your human partner(s) for their lack of open-mindedness. Circumstances may change for you in the future, and perhaps you will be able to confide at a later date. In the meantime, focus on the good things about your human relationship(s), if at all possible, as well as what is rewarding about your spirit relationship(s).
Q. I’ve experienced intimacy with a spirit but this kind of thing goes against my faith tradition. Am I doomed or damned?
A. I hope you are neither. But this is a tough situation and only you will know how to eventually make peace with it. This may require compromise in many areas, and if you need counseling to help with this, get it!
More FAQs will be added in the near future!